


After The War

by emers43



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Stucky - Freeform, Torture, Violence, War, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 03:50:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6938512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emers43/pseuds/emers43
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds." Bucky almost tears the paper apart when he reads that. He's truly tried to be better, but he can't escape his mind and fate has certainly never been on his side. Not since he figured out he was different and had to keep that secret from the one person he cared about most in the world: Steve Rogers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After The War

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this chapter contains depictions of torture. It is not detailed, but be warned. It also depicts violence, again there is not much detail.

Bucky figured out he was different at the age of fourteen, when he was sitting at Steve’s bedside. The smaller male looked as white as the sheets he was lying on, breathing weak as he slept, recovering from his latest asthma attack that had scared the hell out of Bucky. It had happened so suddenly that the next thing Bucky knew, Steve was panting on the ground, fumbling for his inhaler. It had never been so bad before and Bucky thought it would be the end. He’d carried Steve home once the younger boy could be moved. Even though Steve was fine, his best friend remained at his side praying that nothing would happen to him. He couldn’t handle losing him: he loved him, but it wasn’t the same way he loved his family. This was something more..

He didn’t tell a soul, not even his best friend. Steve had too much in his life already without hearing his best friend’s problems and Bucky couldn’t bear the idea of Steve thinking anything differently of him. No, Bucky wanted to remain the same to Steve, he didn’t want to become the freak who liked boys; specifically Steve. Bucky tried to tell himself that he just had a strong friendship with Steve since they went through so much together. Bucky tried to tell himself that he was just protective of Steve since Steve was so small. He tried to tell himself that small frame that seemed so feminine it just confused him. He’d date a girl and be over it eventually, right?

Bucky went on his first date with a girl a few months later,, but his heart wasn’t in it. She was beautiful, a brunette with green eyes that had a twinkle in them when she smiled up at him. He asked to hold her hand since he knew it was the right thing to do as they walked to the movie. She blushed at him as she took his hand. They made conversation, but it didn’t feel right. He tried to tell himself that he wasn’t supposed to feel too much on a first date anyway. It had taken years before Bucky had felt something more than friendship for Steve. Bucky would give this time.

They went steady for a few months, and Steve couldn’t have seemed happier for his friend. Bucky tried to smile whenever they talked about his girlfriend, but he still didn’t feel anything more for her. He ended things with her a month before his fifteenth birthday. 

“What happened Buck? You two seemed so great together.”

“She just wasn’t the one for me,” Bucky would shrug and the subject would be dropped for the time being.

Bucky tried to see other girls over the years, but nothing seemed to change except that he found himself looking at other men differently too: even though he didn’t feel the same about them as he did about Steve.. “You’re such a ladies man,” Steve would tell him and Bucky would try to laugh and tell Steve that he’s a punk.

Things carried on as usual, until Sarah Rogers passed away and Steve insisted he could get by on his own. “The thing is, you don’t have to,” Bucky told his friend. “Cause I’m with you til the end of the line pal.” Bucky meant that with every fiber of his being. After that he spent all of his free time at Steve’s place. He picked up extra shifts at the docks without Steve’s knowledge because he knew Steve would tell him not to push himself so hard. Steve didn’t realize just how much his best friend would do for him. He’d always be there for Steve, no matter what hell broke lose.

Hell broke loose at the age of 24, the day Pearl Harbor was attacked. Immediately, the two went to enlist to help their country. Bucky was immediately given the title of Sergeant, while Steve was denied due to his poor health. Steve didn’t say a word about it, but Bucky knew the little punk would try again, and two days later Steve tried again. “You could get caught and arrested,” Bucky reminded him. Steve didn’t say a word. Bucky would never tell Steve that he was glad Steve was denied: that meant Steve would be safe. The thought of Steve seeing the horrors of war was almost too much, and Bucky was glad it would never happen. He felt terrible for thinking that way since he knew how much Steve wanted to help.

It’s the night before Bucky’s supposed to ship out, back from training in Wisconsin, so he plans to spend much of the day with Steve. He heads to the movie theatre, dressed in his military attire like some of the other men that are out on the town. When he arrives he scans the dark crowd for the tiny figure, but Steve is nowhere to be found. It wasn’t hard to guess the punk was in trouble. He heads back outside and hears noises from the alley and immediately knows that’s where his friend is. “I could do this all day,” he hears Steve say. The world turns red as Steve wobbles on his feet, swinging at the other man, only to miss and be knocked to the ground.

“Hey,” he shouts, pulling the attacker away. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” There’s challenge in his tone, he dares this man to mess with him, to give him the pleasure of beating him. The man takes the challenge and is handled with ease., Bucky turns toward his friend. “Sometimes I think you like getting punched.”

“I had him on the ropes,” the blond mutters while wiping some blood off his lip.

“So you’re from Paramus now?” Bucky asks, picking up the dropped forms on the ground. “You know it’s illegal to lie on the enlistment form. And seriously, Jersey?”

“You get your orders?” Steve asks, taking in his best friend’s military attire.

“The 107th, Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow.”

Bucky feels his heart clench as Steve looks down slightly. “I should be going.”

There was no way his last night in the country was going to be spent without Steve. He had already agreed to go on a double date. He couldn’t bare the idea of not spending more time without his best friend, and he can tell Steve feels the same...even if it isn’t the same way. He looks the blond over, eyes resting on his lips and making him force himself to resist kissing Steve. Instead, he forces a laugh and wraps an arm around the small figure. “Come on man. My last night, I gotta get you cleaned up.”

“Why? Where are we going?”

“The future,” Bucky says casually as he gives Steve a poster for the World Expo..

It doesn’t take long to get Steve’s place, where the punk insisted he didn’t need help cleaning up. Bucky shakes his head and sits down on the sofa to wait for his friend to do what he needs to do. He removes his hat and fiddles with it, nervously thinking things through. He should tell Steve everything later. The younger male deserves to know the full truth, but Bucky can’t risk upsetting his best friend and not spending time together tonight. He also knows that he might not make it back once he leaves and Steve would already have a hard enough time handling his death.

“Alright,” Steve’s voice snaps Bucky out of his thoughts. Bucky forces a smile as he looks at Steve’s small frame. He rethinks going out on the double date for just a night with Steve, it wasn’t like Steve knew about the girls, but Steve would know something was up if Bucky wasn’t going out as usual. “You alright?”

“Yeah, fine,” Bucky says quickly, watching Steve adjust the newspaper in his shoes. Once steve is ready, the two head out in silence. Bucky can’t help but notice all the couples out and about for a final night together and the sense of longing grows in him. Steve is right beside him, but Bucky can’t truly be with him. It isn’t right. He looks at the man beside him and notes the somber expression on Steve’s face as he looks at all the people at the expo. “You’re about to be the last eligible man in New York. You know, there’s three and a half million women here,” Bucky says, trying to put a smile on Steve’s face.

“Hell, I’d settle for just one,” Steve sighs.

“Good thing I took care of that,” Bucky says, forcing a smile as he waves at the two girls waiting for them. He knows the double date is a good cover to have Steve go out on the town with him while every single man is spending time getting a woman. He also knows Steve would never be his, even if he fessed up Steve wouldn’t be his. He might as well make sure Steve gets a lovely girl that would make him happy..

“What’d you tell her about me?”

“Only the good things,” Bucky promises, leaving out how everything about Steve is good. Every flaw was perfect in Bucky’s eyes and it made him strive to be better. He can’t help but give a half-smile as Steve adjusts his hair before the introductions are quickly taken care of before Bucky allows his date to hold his hand and drag him toward Howard Stark’s stage. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Howard Stark!” One of the show girls announces.

Howard walks confidently onto the stage, handing his hat over to one of his assistants before smoothly wrapping his arm around her waist and kissing her. The crowd applauds as Howard wipes the lipstick off his lips and waits for the crowd to settle. It was smooth and confident, and it was what Bucky hoped he did while living his lie. “Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in just a few short years your automobile won't even have to touch the ground, at all?” Howard asks, prompting the women on stage to remove the tires from the car. “Thanks, Mandy.With Starks Gravitic reversion technology.you'll be able to do just that,” Howard explains before going to the control panel.

“Holy cow,” Bucky gasps, watching the automobile lift a few inches off the ground. It remains suspended for a few seconds longer before the machines spark and cause the car to crash to the ground once more. As everyone gasps, Bucky can’t help but grin and look back at Steve. He hopes he’s having a good time even though the girl he was set up with wasn’t paying him much attention. Bucky couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, she was missing out on one of the greatest men on earth. “Well, I did say a few years,” Howard plays it off smoothly.

Bucky forces himself to talk to his own date before turning, “Hey Steve, what do you say we treat these girls....” The sentence goes unfinished as his best friend is missing. He scans the ground, trying to keep a calm face, but the small blond is nowhere to be seen. It isn’t until Bucky sees the military enlistment ads that he knows where Steve’s gone. “Excuse me,” he says to the girls before rushing into the building. He sees Steve instantly and rests a hand on his shoulder. What he wants to say is,  _ “Don’t disappear like that, I was worried about you,” _ but he couldn’t get the words out. 

Instead he says, “Come on, kinda missing the point of a double date. We’re taking the girls dancing.”

“You go ahead, I’ll catch up with you.”

“You really gonna do this again?” Bucky asks knowing full well that Steve is about to try joining the army for the fifth time. Steve’s heart of gold is going to be the death of both of them, Bucky thinks.

“Well it’s a fair. I’m going to try my luck,” Steve almost shrugs as if he isn’t trying to sign away his life.

“As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch you or worse, they’ll actually take you,” Bucky doesn’t mean to get so flustered, but he can’t let anything happen to Steve. He won’t be able to protect him from the law or the war.

“Look, I know you think I can’t do this-”

“This isn’t a back alley, Steve. This is war!”

“I know this is war. You don’t have to tell me.”

“Then why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs.” He knows Steve won’t accept anything less than being a soldier, but he’s desperate to try anything to prevent him from being hurt. 

“What am I gonna do? Collect scrap metal-”

“Yes!”

“-in my little red wagon?”

“Why not?”

“I’m not gonna sit in a factory. Bucky. Bucky, come on!” Steve says, getting incredibly flustered. 

“There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This is about me.”

“Right, cause you got nothing to prove,” Bucky says, trying to stay calm. He knows Steve means well and just wants to do his part. There are just days like today where Bucky finds Steve in a fight and wants to protect him from the cruelty of the world. Still, Steve’s so determined that Bucky can’t help but feel lucky to know him. Vaguely he hears his date call for him, asking if they’re going and he can’t help but feel mildly irritated. He turns to the girls, trying to put on a charming smile so no one would suspect a thing as he shouts back. “Yes we are!” He turns back to Steve, looking around the recruitment center as he backs toward the girls. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” he orders but he wants to say  _ “Be safe, I won’t be able to protect you while I’m gone.” _

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you?” Steve challenges and with that, Bucky knows he can’t leave without a final embrace.

“You’re a punk,” he says, wrapping his arms around Steve.

“Jerk,” Steve says, small arms wrapping around his best friend. Bucky orders himself to keep it quick as he feels a few pats on his back. He takes in the feel of the small frame in his arms one last time before moving away. “Don’t win the war ‘til I get there!” Steve shouts, making Bucky turn around to salute him. He wishes Steve would call after him, telling him not to go dancing tonight, to stay with him. He knows it’s a foolish thought and it fades away when his date takes his arm as they walk away. Still, all Bucky can think is that Steve should be beside him, but he forces himself to smile and be charming.

The venue is filled with people making the most of the time they have left. In any other instance the excitement of the band playing and the crowd would make Bucky feel alive, but he just isn’t feeling it. The girls start to dance with each other so Bucky offers to get them some drinks right away, mainly hoping it’ll loosen him up so he can stop thinking for a little while. He sips at his beer until the song finishes, making him put on a charming smile as he brings the girls their beverages. His date takes his hand so he leads her to back to the dance floor and lets his body to move mindlessly with the music. He knows the moves so well that he won’t miss a beat as he thinks about how his best friend has never done this.

If it wasn’t so...wrong, Bucky would teach Steve. Suddenly, Bucky isn’t in a crowded venue anymore, in his mind he’s in Steve’s kitchen with soft music playing. He can picture Steve’s determined face trying to get the moves right while trying to breathe and hide the fact that he’s nervous. The thought puts a smile on Bucky’s face only for reality to set in as he switches dance partners so Steve’s date isn’t left out. He slips back into his fantasy as best he can, but when his date is back on the dance floor with him she strikes up conversation.

“What’s with you, Barnes?”

“Nothin’, just seeing an angel,” he smiles. He knows it’s wrong to say that to her when he’s thinking about Steve, but so is thinking that way about his best friend. He tries to push Steve out of his mind as her face lights up just before she kisses his cheek. The song finishes and so the group rests, drinking a few more drinks. Of course, the more relaxed the alcohol makes him the more he finds himself looking at the other men on the dance floor. The ones dressed in uniforms catch his eye at first, God, do they look amazing. Even those who aren’t dressed as nicely, with disheveled shirts and hair from all the dancing look good.

“It’s getting late girls,” Bucky mumbles. He needs to get out of here, fast. He walks both of them home, politely declining a cup of coffee for his last night in America. As wonderful as the night had been, he can’t force himself further into this lie. He still gets a kiss, that he tries to make more heated: it would be his last bit of affectionate physical contact for a while. When the kiss breaks, he heads home to catch what bit of rest he can before he ships out the next day. He lies awake for a little while, thinking about how he won’t see Steve again and how he regrets not asking Steve to come see him off tomorrow. Bucky’s family will be there, so at least he won’t be alone, but damn he doesn’t like the realization that his last goodbye to Steve was just that quick hug and nothing more.

That night James Barnes vows that he will tell Steve the truth about him after the war.

Being overseas is difficult. Bucky tries to write to his family and Steve, but it’s difficult to find time. When he does send a letter, replies from his family seem to take months. He has yet to hear anything from Steve and that worries him, but he doesn’t ask his family about it. He can’t bring himself to ask about Steve’s safety, mainly because he doesn’t want to hear something happened while he couldn’t be there to help. He continues to write regardless of this, letting Steve know how much he misses him. He wants to confess his true feelings for his best friend, but he can’t bring himself to write it. The letter could fall into the wrong hands and it just didn’t seem proper to tell Steve that way. He would wait until after the war.

At least Bucky has some good men in his unit. He’s become quite fond of Dum Dum Dugan and Gabe Jones, mainly spending his spare moments with them. Some of the other men are fair enough company, but usually they rub him the wrong way. Still, for the last year and a half or so-Bucky has lost track of time-these men have done well enough in their service.

Presently, they’re fighting in Azzano after Nazis ambushed them. The dark of the night is cut through by fire and explosions. Bucky rushes for cover, diving down so his back rests on the mound of dirt. Men are rushing frantically, hoping to reach cover as well. “There’s gotta be at least five more companies out there!” Dum Dum shouts, coming down beside him.

“Ring up B company. Tell ‘em we need cover!” Bucky orders.

Gabe holds up his smoking radio, “That might be tough!”

“Bucky, behind you,” Dum Dum warns, allowing the sergeant to turn and fire on the enemy before they could get any closer.

“Here they come!” Bucky warns, taking aim at the oncoming enemies.

“I hate these guys,” Dum Dum growls, forcing himself to turn for the fight. He takes aim, and faithfully fires along with his sergeant. Gunfire seems endless, as are the wounded cries of the men all around. Bucky can’t do anything for them now as he fights to prevent more tragedy as well as to stay alive. Fire only ceases as blue light flashes out rapidly at the Nazis who disappear in the flash. The men of the 107th rise to their feet and watch in horror as more men are taken out by the mysterious tank. “That looks...new,” Dum Dum says, nervously trying to relieve the tension. 

The tank crawls forward and takes aim at the 107th, allowing Bucky only seconds to react as he dives to the ground and  shouts, “DOWN!”

The tank fires, eliminating some of the men in a matter of seconds. Bucky remains as still as possible, trying to stop other troops from falling victim to the weapon. Some manage to escape, but most don’t make it far. When the firing stops, Bucky makes quick calculations as to how to get out of this situation or at least come out with the most lives saved: with a heavy heart, he surrenders and the men do the same. Enemy guns remain pointed at them as they march in front of the tank toward whatever prison awaited them. No one spoke, no one dared even look at each other as they went on and on without a break.

The facility they arrived at consisted of many large warehouses, but Bucky couldn’t make out much in the darkness. The men were escorted to a building and instantly orders were barked out to create weapons. The work was somewhat mindless, which made it easier to deal with. Men with guns stood by, keeping watch so that the 107th worked at a rapid pace while making no mistakes. Bucky kept pace well enough, but was almost grateful when the group was lead into their holding cells. It was only then that he noticed there were other units among the prisoners here. He didn’t dare ask where the other men were from, it wasn’t worth a beating if the guard felt he was plotting something.

Days went on like that for quite sometime, although Bucky dealt with vigorous beatings from the watchmen. He tried to keep positive, the rest of the US army would rescue them soon. The men dealt with more and tried to fight back, even causing an “accident” in order to kill the watchmen that continued to beat Bucky. Men disappear, being taken away once they’re unable to work, which pushes Bucky to keep up. He thinks about getting home to Steve, which gets him through for a while. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but the work grows more tiresome and now he can hardly stand. When men come to take him into isolation, he tries to fight back, but all it takes is one hit to the back of his head and the world spins.

When the world stops turning, he’s strapped down surrounded by various charts and tools. He tries to focus on some to the charts so he can report it to the US once he’s rescued. Forcing himself to focus is difficult, the pain in his body is almost too much and he can’t help but think that deep down there’s no way he’s getting out of this. No one ever comes back from isolation. The thoughts are cut short as someone enters the room. The man is on the shorter side, balding, and with eyes that are enlarged by the circular glasses resting on his face. He says nothing as he looks through some files before drawing some of Bucky’s blood and leaving.

“Sergeant Barnes,” a voice speaks to him causing him to look as the scientist walks back into the room. “Good, you are awake for the procedure.” The man almost smiles as he goes back to his files. Bucky watches helplessly as he shifts through things before pulling out a vial of blue liquid that is placed into a syringe. He tries to struggle away as the scientist moves closer to him and eventually manages to inject the serum into him.

The question “what did you do to me” doesn’t leave Bucky’s throat as he lies in the chair, wondering what’s going to happen to him. He can feel the doctor watching him, waiting for a reaction but nothing happens. Hours pass and still nothing happens. His blood is drawn again before the doctor leaves for the day. Unable to stay awake, Bucky passes out.

Sunlight comes through a window, causing Bucky to wake up, but something isn’t right. His head feels heavy and before he has time to think about it, electricity bolts through his body, causing him to scream as his body jerks uncontrollably. The jolts stop eventually, but his body still twitches as his lungs struggle to gather air again. Blood is drawn and the doctor leaves only to return hours later to inspect him. The doctor returns again that night, injecting him with something new before leaving.

Bucky passes out instantly, only to wake the next morning when he is given another injection. He doesn’t feel anything new at first, until pain jolts through him like a raging fire. His vision blurs in and out as he screams, waiting for an end that doesn’t seem to be coming. He fights to ground himself, but he doesn’t feel like he belongs in his own skin anymore. He pushes himself to think about anything, even though his mind is numb until the sun comes up. The doctor draws blood and returns hours later, a small smile on his face before he forces Bucky to sit up for an examination. He forces himself to stay calm but muttering his name, tag number, and anything else he can think of. Guards are stationed in the room the entire time until Bucky is strapped down once more.

More tests are done on the next day before he’s shocked again until he’s left alone for the night. There isn’t any pain that night, but it isn’t peaceful. Gunfire is heard in the distance along with some sort of alarm. The scientist rushes in, grabbing some of his things and glancing at him before leaving. This was it, Bucky’s end. He wasn’t going to make it home to see Steve again or to tell him how he felt. He tries to picture Steve, but the image is blurry in his mind before he tunes out the world.

“Sergeant...James...Barnes,” he begins to mumble to himself, unable to think of anything else.

“Bucky?” A voice asks, but it’s muffled as Bucky continues through his list. “Oh God.” Bucky stares blankly at the ceiling as his restraints are undone. His rescuer leans over him, “ It’s me, it’s Steve,”

Bucky feels the restraints moving and he forces himself to focus. “Steve,” he smiles weakly. This certainly looked like Steve, but there was no possible way this was his Steve.. 

“Come on,” he gently helps Bucky up.

“Steve,” Bucky repeats, putting his arms around the larger figure as he’s brought to his feet..

“I thought you were dead,” Steve says, looking Bucky over as he holds him up.

Bucky looks him over, and notes just how large and muscular the man in the red-white-and-blue outfit is. He saw no possible way that this was his Steve, but it was: no doubt this was Steve. Steve was here to save him. “I thought you were smaller,” he notes while trying to process what’s happening around him. He doesn’t get much time as something explodes.

“Come on,” Steve says, helping him along until he manages to run weakly on his own.

“What happened to you?”

“I joined the army,” Steve states as he rushes ahead slightly to make sure their path is clear.

Flashes of the pain shoot through Bucky, “Did it hurt?”

“A little.”

“Permanent?” Was this going to be how Steve was forever? Sure, Bucky wasn’t going to protest, but he’s barely processing this change. Not that he’s been given much chance.

“So far,” Steve says as if nothing about this should be strange.

“Captain America!” A German voice shouts, causing the duo to stop. Steve glances back, making sure Bucky is alright, but Bucky barely notices as he leans on a railing to stay standing as he comes face to face with the man who experimented on him. The scientist studies him across the way as the other man speaks to Steve, “How exciting! I am a great fan of your films. So Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still impressive.” 

“You got no idea,” Steve announces before punching the man in the face. Bucky looks away from the doctor and briefly admires Steve for a split second as he process that the little punk had gotten some experiments done on him as well. With that thought in mind his attention returns to man watching him.

“Haven’t I?” The man Steve had punched, punches the shield Steve is holding, stealing Bucky’s attention again. The bridge the two men are standing on pulls apart as the scientist pulls a lever to separate them. “No matter what lies Erskine has told you, you see I was his greatest success!” The man begins tearing at his flesh before pulling it away to reveal nothing but a red skull underneath. 

“You don’t have one of those do you?” Buck asks as the mask of skin is thrown into the fire below.

Steve doesn’t answer as the Red Skull speaks, “You are deluded, Captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly. Without fear!”

“Then how come you’re running?” Steve shouts as Red Skull and the doctor leave. Steve waits for a moment before rushing back to Bucky, who follows him as more explosions go off. “Come on,” Steve gestures as they rush up some stairs. “One at a time,” he suggests as he helps Bucky over the railing.

Bucky’s advance is slow as the beam wobbles with all the destruction happening around them. He sees the other end about to give out and he rushes, diving over to the over side. He pulls himself to his feet after another explosion. “Gotta be a rope or something,” he offers up when he sees Steve doing some calculations: even with all the changes Steve’s thinking face is still the same and that comforts Bucky.  But he knows what Steve is about to say, and he won’t do it. He refuses.

“Go, get out of here!” Steve yells,

“No! Not without you!” Bucky shouts back. He doesn’t care that he might not make it: if he lost Steve it wouldn’t matter. Sure, he had a family to go home to, but it wouldn’t be the same. He couldn’t face another day knowing he left his best friend to die. He just got Steve back, even if he looked different he would never be without him. If Steve was going to go, so was he.

He watches in awe as Steve bends the railing, clearing space before moving back and running forward. He prays for Steve to make it. Flames shoot up, engulfing Steve, but he lands beside Bucky, who quickly grabs his jacket and pulls him along. He’s used to having to rush Steve away from a fight, but Steve keeps up with ease. Actually, Steve has to help Bucky along the way until they reach a group of men.

“Sergeant?” Dum Dum asks, moving forward.

“How is everyone?” Bucky asks and Dum Dum gives a quick run down before Steve suggests they head home. Bucky can’t help but stare as Steve takes lead of the troops and starts walking. His best friend had done the impossible: single-handedly rescued hundreds of men. He looks around as he moves toward Steve’s side. There’s so much he wants to say, but he can’t: there are people and the words don’t make sense in his mind anymore. Instead of speaking, he glances at Steve in his peripheral vision, trying to take in all the change.

The man who once came just to eye level was now stood a bit taller than him. He stood with confidence, not a single falter in step due to pain. Even with the jacket, Bucky could tell there were muscles instead of just skin and bone. That’s all he can tell him the dark, and he’s grateful for the darkness because he doesn’t want to see Steve like this, not after Steve finally got to make a difference. He looks ahead, pushing himself to keep up and stay at Steve’s side where he belonged. They could talk later, hopefully.

The troops march on, some of the weaker men rest on the tanks that had been commandeered. No one complains the entire march and soon Bucky sees what looks like a camp up ahead. Soldiers rush out to greet them and soon enough Steve stand before the Colonel. “Some of these men need medical attention,” Steve explains and medics rush forward to do their job. “I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action.”

“That won’t be necessary,” the Colonel explains before turning away and speaking to a brunette woman. “Faith, huh?” With that he walks away and the woman steps forward.

“You’re late.”

“I couldn’t call my ride,” Steve pulls out a broken device and gives a crooked smile as he stares at her. Bucky realizes instantly the two have a connection and he can’t help but feel forgotten in that moment. He refuses to be selfish though and to take away from Steve’s moment.

“Hey!” Bucky shouts over the crowd, who were in their own little worlds.. “Let’s hear it for Captain America!” He starts to applaud and everyone else follows his lead. Steve glances at him and all he does is give a small shrug and smile. Steve deserves this moment: he was the hero he always wanted to be and that deserved celebration. When Steve looks away again, Bucky also takes the moment of celebration to look Steve over. He’s beautiful still, that’s the first thing Bucky notes, but then the horrors set in.

His small fragile friend was no longer going to need him. Steve was more than capable of fighting, he just proved that. He was here in the war, and nothing could change that. Bucky wasn’t going to be able to protect him from anything anymore. Steve could get sent off to fight and never come back, even with his seemingly heightened abilities. Even if Steve did survive the war,  what would they want from Steve? He’s a weapon now. The government would use him until they couldn’t anymore. There wasn’t going to be an after the war for Steve.

As the cheering dies down, Bucky forces the worry off his face, not wanting to alarm Steve if he looked at him again. He couldn’t protect Steve from anything else now, but he could save Steve some worry. He spent years keeping secrets, what was one more?

“Buck, we should get you looked over,” Steve notes, looking at the bruising and blood on his friend’s face.

“Yeah,” Bucky nods, knowing Steve would probably drag him to the medical tent if he refused. He feels better as Steve walks with him to the medical tent.

“I have to talk to the Colonel about everything. I’ll come back as soon as I can to make sure you’re okay,” Steve promises as a nurse quickly guides Bucky to a cott. All he does is nod and lie down, forcing himself to keep calm as the nurse looks him over. 

_ This isn’t torture, this is to make sure I’m alright, _ he tells himself, but it’s hard and he can’t help but wish Steve was still around. This must be how the punk used to feel when he fell ill. Once the exam has finished, the nurse offers to let him rest there, and that’s what he does. He isn’t sure where else to go. He’s just about to fall asleep when someone approaches him. “Buck?” Steve’s voice is soft as he approaches.

Bucky opens his eyes, hoping to see the Steve he knew before the war, but the new version is standing before him still in the Captain America get up. He isn’t sure what to say or to do. For the longest time when things got hard, Bucky would imagine being reunited with Steve. In any version that came to mind it was never like this. Steve seems hesitant for a second before he wraps Bucky in his arms. The tension leaves Bucky’s body as he feels comforted, but at the same time he knows this isn’t how it should be. He wraps his arms around Steve, finding it harder than it used to be. “I’m so glad you’re alright,” Steve says softly before letting go and settling into a chair that’s beside the bed. “You are alright, right?”

“Far as they can tell,” Bucky shrugs. There’s a brief pause of silence as he debates asking Steve about what happened. He doesn’t want to upset Steve, and he isn’t even sure if he’s ready to hear what happened. “You got there just in time,” Bucky says instead.

“What did they do to you?” Steve asks before a horrified expression crosses his face. “Sorry, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“It’s alright,” Bucky gives a half smile at how even with everything else upside down in this world, Steve was still somewhat himself. He does his best to explain his time overseas and Steve helps to fill in how much time has passed based on what he’s heard between his propaganda shows. Steve also explains a bit about Hydra and what they’re after. Bucky doesn’t go into any details about the tests that were done on him, but he does mention how the doctor-Dr. Zola-spent lots of time with him. It’s only then that Steve explains what had happened to him once Bucky left the Expo with the girls. Bucky almost screams when he learns about Howard Stark’s involvement in Steve’s change. He didn’t know the man, but he remembered how Howard’s flying car had failed, what if Steve’s change failed too?

Bucky doesn’t express his frustrations with the idea since everything had worked out. Steve was here. He was alive and well, and hot as hell. Bucky still missed the little guy and he still wasn’t quite fond of this new Steve yet, but he would adapt in time. Steve sits with him the rest of the day until they realize how hungry they are and go off to find some food.

“I’ll take you to the bunks,” Steve says when they finish eating. “You look like you could use some rest,” he pats Bucky on the shoulder and in that moment Bucky realizes just how tired he is. “I could use your help with something tomorrow, if you’re up for it.”

“Sure thing,” Bucky agrees. Hearing Steve still wants his help makes his heart skip a beat, but he still has so much weighing on his mind. Steve helps him settle in before leaving to meet with some of the higher ranking officers to discuss their next move. Bucky tries to clear his mind, but all he can think about is Steve getting hurt in battle. Nightmares plague him that night, but he keeps quiet when he wakes every time.

He spends much of the next day alone outside of a few soldiers moving around the bunk area. Their presence agitates him, as he waits for someone to strike him or order him to get to work. Still, the moments he’s alone aren’t much better as he starts to worry about everything. Steve asked him to help him form a team to put an end to Hydra and since Bucky knew the men better Steve wanted his opinion. Steve had a lot of good picks, but Bucky couldn’t help but think it wouldn’t be enough to protect Steve. He can’t stop thinking about Steve’s situation and what it meant for him when the war is over. He doesn’t find a positive in any outcome, even if Steve survives and has a family he was a public figure, someone that could always be targeted.

When Steve finally met with him he couldn’t help but say, “They’re all idiots. Your team.” He knows they’re all good men, but sometimes they were idiots...it did help Bucky get through though. Steve laughs and lead them to the bar.

“I’m going to get a drink,” Bucky says when he sees the large crowd inside.

“Suit yourself,” Steve says as he heads further in in order to discuss his plans with the new team: the Howling Commandos. It doesn’t take long to get everyone on board and soon enough Steve is on a bar stool at his side as the crowd begins to sing.

“See, I told you. All idiots,” Bucky says before taking another drink as the noise gets to him. 

_ “There is a tavern in the town, in the town and there my true love sits him down, sits him down,” _

Steve gives a small smirk. “What about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jowls of death?”

_ “And drinks his wine as merry as can be, and never, never thinks of me.” _

“Hell no. That little guy from Brooklyn, the one too dumb to run away from a fight, “Bucky looks over at Steve, “I’m following him.” He wants Steve to know he isn’t here for Captain America: the great war hero. No, he’s here for  _ Steve _ just as he’s always been. Steve looks away as the bartender sets a drink down. Bucky leans closer, “But you’re keeping the outfit, right?” He would never admit it, but the outfit was kind of hot.

Steve looks at him, slightly surprised but also pleased as he smiles, “You know what? It’s kinda growing on me.”

“ _ And remember that the best of friends must part, must part. Adieu, adieu kind friends, adieu, yes, adieu _ ,” the singing starts to fade, causing the friends at the bar to look. Bucky’s heart feels heavy as the brunette from the other day walks toward them. He stands politely, admiring the woman in the red dress since she is quite stunning, but at the same time his body tenses. He doesn’t know her, and as much as he wants Steve to be happy, he wishes it was with him. If it wasn’t going to be with him, he at least wanted it to be someone who saw Steve for Steve, not the hunky Captain America.

“Captain,” she greets, completely ignoring Bucky.

“Agent Carter,” Steve smiles as the woman moves before him. Bucky shifts to face the conversation and Agent Carter gives him a quick glance.

“Ma’am.”

She looks away from him and back at Steve. “Howard has some equipment for you to try tomorrow morning.”

“Sounds good.”

When Agent Carter looked away as the music began again, Bucky notes how Steve looks her over as if she’s the only thing in the room. It’s sweet that Steve found someone, but Bucky can’t help the disappointment that fills him. He’s always know Steve wouldn’t be his. He’s tried to accept that for years, but now that he’s Steve look at someone like that...he does know how to handle it. “I see your top squad is prepping for duty,” Agent Carter comments.

“You don’t like music?” Bucky can’t help but ask.

“I do actually,” she replies, eyes only on Steve, who looks back at her just as intently. “I might, even when this is all over, go dancing.”

“What are we waiting for?” Bucky just wants her to leave, and that makes him feel terrible.

“The right partner. O-eight-hundred, Captain,” she reminds Steve before leaving.

“Yes Ma’am. I’ll be there,” Steve calls after her and Bucky watches her go.

“I’m invisible,” he turns to Steve. “I’m...I’m turning into you.” He tries to joke, but it hurts. He had thought for so long that there would be an end to his secret, but he couldn’t do anything now. He loves Steve enough that he’s willing to suffer through this, but he doesn’t want to and he knows that’s selfish. “It’s like a horrible dream.”

“Don’t take it so hard,” Steve says while patting him on the shoulder as he heads for the door. “Maybe she’s got a friend.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything as he watches Steve leave. He settles back down on his barstool for another drink as he sits with his thought. So many of the men here were so carefree and Bucky misses the days he was the same way. Although, he can’t really remember ever being care free with all his siblings and Steve in his life. The only way this would end would be if he passed on, and suddenly that didn’t seem like such a bad thing. Surprised with himself, he rushes out of the bar and to his bed, trying to tell himself it was the alcohol talking along with the lack of sleep. He wants to survive this war.

He still wants to hope that someday, long after the war, Steve will know the truth.

Two days later Bucky is asked to meet with Howard Stark,to test some of his own equipment, just some better guns really. “Sergeant Barnes,” Howard greets him with a nod.

“Sir,” Bucky replies back as he looks at all the weapons on the table.

“We’ve made a few improvements,” Howard explains. “Nothing too fancy, just faster firing and the ability to have more ammunition. Greater accuracy. Try some, let me know what you think.”

Bucky does as he’s asked, picking up the closest weapon to him, he doesn’t even process his actions as he takes aim at the target and fire. The kickback is minimal, barely noticeable and the accuracy is quite remarkable. He fires again to be sure before setting the gun in its place. He takes a sniper next and takes aim, hitting the target with ease. He tries a few more, noting that some of the weapons seem to be off slightly and Howard is quick to jot it down to continue fixing later.

“We’ve also fitted you for some warmer clothing, more places for weapons as well,” Howard states before walking off and returning. “There’s a room that way to try it on,” he gestures and Bucky goes off to do so.

The outfit is nothing special, brown pants with plenty of pockets, a belt with a gun holster and ammunition, and lastly a blue coat that is fit for the weather and would allow him to blend into the shadows slightly. The coat has a few extra pockets for storage. It all fits perfectly but he figures that Howard will want to check him over. The man smiles at him as he checks things over. “What do you think?”

“It’s good,” Bucky tells him simply.

“Alright, then you’re free to take it. The weapons you’ll have to pick up before you head out on your missions. If you see Steve let him know his things will be ready in the morning.”

“Will do,” Bucky nods as he heads back to the changing room before going to his bunk. Some of the other Howling Commandos are there playing a game of cards.

“Bucky, want us to deal you in?” Gabe asks and Bucky gives him a quick nod as he tucks the things from Howard away. He settles at the table, looking over his hand only to realize he’s got nothing: he folds instantly.

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you fold. That bad?” Dum Dum laughs which makes Bucky grin as he watches the round play out in Sam Sawyer’s favor. The group plays three more rounds before Steve enters.

“Gentlemen, we’ll be headed out tomorrow night,” he announces. “Be sure to rest up.”

“Yes sir!”

“Did you see Howard?” Bucky asks as he takes his next hand of cards.

“Yeah, that’s how I know we’ll be heading out tomorrow night,” Steve replies, sitting beside him so he can be dealt in. The group falls into some playful banter after that as they play a few more rounds, trying not to think too much about the fights ahead of them. That doesn’t stop the nightmares from haunting Bucky again.

When they head out the next day, Bucky can’t help but admire how good Steve looks now that he’s grown used to things. He’s still surprised by how much Steve can do without much effort. Of course, he tries not to think on it too much because it just makes him feel more for the man who can never be his. There was no scenario where Captain America would be free to live his life with another man. It wasn’t right and never would be.

That doesn’t stop Bucky from keeping an extra close eye on his best friend though. Much of the time, he fought by Steve’s side without fear. Steve would give him looks whenever he would do something reckless, but Bucky didn’t care.Hydra needed to be taken down and Steve needed to live. Bucky’s future wouldn’t matter if he didn’t have Steve. The times where he;s told to  keep his distance, his scope stays on Steve only to occasionally scan the area for enemies. No one could come close the Captain without being shot down. Steve would always salute Bucky with each enemy handled.

Months of missions blur by, each goes smoothly, Hydra was no match for the Commandos. Their task was to capture Dr. Zola, and Bucky couldn’t admit that he wasn’t exactly ready to face the man again. He puts on a brave face as he looks over the cliffside with Steve. “You remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?” Bucky asks, recalling the childhood memory to help relax him.

“Yeah, and I threw up?”

“This isn’t payback is it?”

“Now why would I do that?” Steve smirks and Bucky knows that the punk is considering this payback now. He’ll deal with him later, right now he’s got to focus.

“You were right, Doctor Zola is on that train. Hydra dispatcher just gave him permission to open up the throttle. Wherever he’s going they must need him bad.”

“Let’s get going because they’re moving like the devil.”

“Let’s get going, we only got about a ten second window. You miss that window, we’re bugs on a windshield,” Steve says, putting on his mask. Bucky can tell he’s trying to stay brave as he moves back to the edge of the cliff.

“Mind the gap,” they’re reminded.

“Gotta get moving, bugs,” Dum Dum tries to joke as Steve gets set up just before he’s signalled to go. Bucky sets up quickly, holding on tightly as the wind pushes against him. When he let’s go he crouches low before he follows after Steve so they can get to the ladder to enter the train. He keeps watch as Steve lowers himself inside and then he follows, shutting the door behind him before drawing his weapon and advancing carefully. There are plenty of boxes, likely full of Hydra weapons or Zola’s experiments. Bucky doesn’t think about it, he’s waiting for the attack. 

They advance slowly, Steve looking around sensing something is off before he moves into the next compartment, only for the door to slide shut. The blond looks horrified as he stares back at him and Bucky wants to shout that’s going to be fine, but he hears someone approaching and turns quickly to fire handle the on comer. He doesn’t aim as precisely as he should allowing the other man to to avoid his attacks while firing back. Seeking cover, Bucky moves behind some boxes, trying again to shoot the other man. He can hear Steve fighting in the other compartment, panic bubbles up inside of him and the enemy fires at him as he reloads.

The fire fight continues a bit longer, but soon Bucky has to change to his handgun as the Hydra agent approaches, coming in for the kill. He switches to a different hiding spot, firing his weapon, but it does no good. He hears more banging from the other cart just as he runs out of ammo.

His breathing picks up as he slumps into the corner, trying to stay calm as he thinks a way out of this, but there isn’t much he can do. He’s trapped, and easy kill or capture if Dr. Zola wanted his test subject back. That thought is worse than death in his mind. The sound of the door opening behind him makes him jump slightly, but thankfully it’s Steve there to rescue him. The super soldier holds up the gun, signaling his intent to Bucky who quickly nods back and catches the weapon with ease as Steve rushes forward. As the shield collides into a box, the enemy side-steps to avoid the attack only to step right into Bucky’s line of fire.

“I had him on the ropes,” Bucky comments, not wanting to admit to Steve that he’d been afraid just seconds ago. 

“I know you did,” Steve comments, only to hear the sound of a machine charging: the other Hydra agent had risen. “Get down!” He pulls Bucky closer to him, but Bucky winds up on the ground as Steve’s shield takes the impact. The force still sends Steve flying against the side of the train while the other side bursts open. The wind howls angrily, so loudly that Bucky barely hears the Hydra machine charging again. Quickly, in order to protect himself as well as Steve, he grabs the shield and takes aim, but the Hydra man was quicker. The instant the blast collided with the metal shield, the air leaves Bucky’s lungs as he goes flying. Even with the world rushing by, he grabs the side of the train, clinging to it as best he can.

The metal is weak, it won’t hold long and Bucky knows that. Each movement is careful as he works toward the compartment again while Steve handles the attacker. “Bucky!” Steve’s voice is frantic as he appears at the edge of the compartment. Even in his panic, Bucky wants to tell Steve to stay where it’s safe because if Steve falls Bucky would jump after him even if it wouldn’t save Steve. The words won’t come out as Steve moves closer, “Hang on,” Steve is urging him and Bucky tries to move closer to where they can reach each other. “Grab my hand,” Steve reaches out to him.

He’s so close, but the metal is shaking violently in his hands, which continue to slip. Their fingers are inches apart, only for the metal to detach with a loud clang. “NO!” Steve screams, fumbling slightly as he makes a final attempt to grab Bucky. The wind howls around Bucky and his screams mix with it as he falls. He’d thought about how things would end, but it was never like this. There was no life flashing before his eyes moment that people always talked about. There was only one thought:  _ Thank God Steve is safe _ then there was nothing but darkness. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the longest chapter I have ever written and much of it was done with a lack of sleep so I hope everything made sense. Feedback would be much appreciated, thank you for reading!
> 
> -emers


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